Epic Denial



http://www.coolgizmotoys.com/2011/06/ostrich-sleeping-pillow-bad.html

Apparently I have an Auto Immune Disease, that cannot be cured.  I have had the verdict for a couple of years, initially it was a relief to have a confirmation that something was actually wrong.

I took some medication, and started to feel better.  Well enough to exercise, and do stuff :-).  Things were so awesome, I decided that in fact I did not have a disease at all.  I stopped taking my medication and returned to living life.  Many months later I felt the signs that things were not going well, and I promptly got back on the the medication.

Fast forward some more time (read about a year) and things really started to get bumpy.  The annoying pain became constant, and sleeping became something to have a crack at in between rolling and tossing, and huffing.  Tiredness became fatigue in the blink of an eye, and the cycle of inflammation rolled in quicker than a delivery from a fast paced bowler down the wicket of the MCG.

In my defence, I did scramble quickly to the medical team, but the course of action had not been determined, and the meandering options of trying a few things did not work on the aggressive time scale of the inflammation.  I was promptly gobbled up and spat on to the couch.  Unable to move or function.  I had many moments to contemplate the memories of watching my own Mother endure Cancer, and really wonder how she managed to do that with two small children.  And with one of those children possibly tipping the scales on hyper activity!

Those thoughts were more aimed at how my young child was coping with my illness.  Mostly she is a trooper, but at 6 it is sometimes hard to understand why we cannot swim in our pool on a hot day.  I think the greatest toll of the health is on my desire to be a good parent.  It is hard to maintain your patience when you are in a world of hurt. 

Last week I picked her up before school finished, as I knew I would not be able to manage a drive back. I missed parent teacher night, and the next morning, I had to get someone to come take her to school and then pick her up. I saw family frustration come flying out, that the unstoppable had been flattened, and surely it must just be something that I needed to get on with, as life was not to be lived like that.

One night I couldn't actually do the tuck in, or even get her to bed.  She never sleeps with me, but I asked her to hop in the other side.  After dashing out to grab a bucket, she came back in snuggled up behind me and gave me a reassuring rub, telling me that things will be all right.  As I passed out with thoughts of love for this wonderful creation, I was not so joyous when woken several times with the horrid grinding of the teeth happening on the other side of the bed!

Others in the peanut gallery of my life are watching.  Some are planning to relocate to another country, and days from departure.  Others are watching in disbelief, wanting to do something but not in a position to help.  It is in these small moments, when I cannot move, that denial becomes an admission, despite what I want, I am not always able to control my own life, sometimes I need to relent.

So now my temple is being littered with enough drugs to bring down an elephant, just so I can move.  With each increase in potency comes yet another side effect to be handled.  Warning ** My usual lengthy patience has been replaced with a very short fuse!