Misery Loves Company...or Not!

As I walked past the window this morning, I was greeted by a visitor, innocently helping himself or herself to breakfast. 

 

It was at this stage when I actually noticed that the weather outside was dismal, grey and raining.  Perfect weather to reflect my mood this morning.  I was hoping that I could get outside today, a bit of grounding with nature to assist the Capricorn regain some balance in what has been an emotional roller coaster of a week.  As it turns out the other visitors were content with the weather.

 

It was actually nice to get the camera out and have a play, I really enjoy the opportunity to take a few snaps, and also to continue to populate life's journey on the blog.  Life between two houses has really become a challenge to manage, and I am sure that is felt between the pair of us.  Things have started to cement and for the first time in many years I actually want to live together, to remove all of the complexity and have the opportunity to live the simple life I enjoy.  My backyard is littered with little unfinished projects that I just never get the time to do, or when I have the time, I don't have the energy.

 

With an unscheduled weekend to myself, I found that I got many of my inside to do done.  I finished all the washing, and then looked at the reminder of all of someone's clothes mingled in amongst them, I finished the ironing and the mood wasn't getting better anytime soon!  So I decided to switch over to another regular activity that lightens the day.  Several spare oranges, and some nuts and polenta, so let me whip up a cake.  As I am cutting the oranges with my delightful kitchen knives, and mixing the batter with my awesome anniversary present of a mixer, I soon realised that my life is awash with mementos of us.

 

In an effort to maintain busy and stop the mind from racing, I thought I would replace the dripping tap in the bathroom.  Turns out I am not strong enough to turn the water off.  Yes, my biceps are not as big as anothers, who I am sure could have assisted.  Instead I will be calling a plumber, somehow I will fit that into my working week.

 

The relatives had stayed over in an attempt to cheer me up, so we cracked out the Canasta deck to have a few rounds of cards.  Even this activity was depressing, reminiscing on the journey of teaching the art of Canasta, and how three players was not the same as our usual four way banter.

 

It was at this stage that I had had enough, so I headed out for a nice long drive with loud music.  How does a professional negotiator fail to be able to negotiate a solution?  I have always thought that

 

'if you love someone enough, you will find a way'

 

But in thinking this though, it didn't matter how much I tried in my decade long relationship, one party cannot do it alone.  Loving someone enough did not overcome fidelity and eventually I had to walk away.  Money is the destroyer of many relationships, but it never occurred to me that it would be the destroyer before we even lived together.  I have tried a few angles to find a solution, but if I take a step out of the emotional state and place myself in the business world, what would I do if I had tried a few angles and could not find anyway to actually start to build a win win solution?  I would walk away from the negotiating table.  It always requires two to make a negotiation, just like a relationship.  No matter how much I want it to work, I cannot make it happen on my own.

 

When you consider your negotiation strategy prior you look at what you are prepared to be flexible on and what you are not.  After being burned in a messy financial divorce that took over 8 years to unravel the joint finances, I am sure not in a hurry to end up there again.  There were also moments during that decade together where I just may have walked away, if it had been easy to do so.  This in itself reminds me that maybe I avoid joint finances because I do not want to feel trapped.  Is it actually a failure to completely commit?

 

I remember my childhood without having parents around, and I remember how hard it was to find my way in the world without someone to assist.  I never really had a concept of what tertiary education could do for me until my early 20's.  I never had the opportunity to go, but I did work full time and take almost 8 years to get my uni degree finished.  If I died tomorrow, I don't want my daughter to have to endure the same hardships, I want to ensure that she has a life of opportunity.

 

I also have a health condition that is likely to have a significant impact on my earning capacity at some stage.  I will not be able to work at the current executive level for ever. But while I can, I continue to strive for financial independence, to allow for my future to manageable in the event I cannot sustain this level of stress and effort.  I cannot rely on another to be there, as life has taught me that there are many instances when the only person you can rely on to be there is yourself.  So clearly I have trust issues!  Well I would respond with reality issues, but then there is always that sort of debate.

 

So I figure I should really end the day in the theme of torturing myself, so I am off to watch an episode of Twilight, an eternal love story is sure to continue my pit of misery.